When my children were young, I enjoyed reading to them the children’s book, “The Very Lonely Firefly” by Eric Carle. The story begins with the birth of a little firefly who is searching for belonging and connection. As it flies through the night sky looking for other fireflies, it mistakes a flashlight, car headlights, and fireworks for the light of its community. Flashing its light in the night sky, it eventually discovers the light it has been looking for – a group of fireflies “flashing their lights.” The twinkling lights dancing on the last page always brought my children delight.
As social beings, we all long for a sense of belonging and connection. People want to be heard and understood. This has been true since the beginning of time. It is how we are wired. In their book “Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection” John Cacippio and William Patrick remind us that much of our behavior is driven by instincts. When we are thirsty, we reach for some water. If our stomach growls and we feel a hunger pang, we grab something to eat. In the same way, loneliness is a signal that we are feeling the need for connection. Just as pain, hunger, and thirst protect the body, loneliness “protects our social body.”
Stories of our faith tell of friends and family gathering for wedding feasts and religious celebrations or worshipping together in the house of the Lord. Jesus enjoys meals with his friends Mary and Martha. He is mocked for eating with “tax collectors and sinners.” Crowds gathered on hillsides to hear him teach. Jesus taught that the greatest commandment is “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind and with all your strength, and love your neighbor as yourself.” Relationships are important.
In 2023, the U.S. Surgeon General named loneliness as an epidemic. “Loneliness and isolation represent profound threats to our health and well-being. But we have the power to respond. By taking small steps every day to strengthen our relationships, and by supporting community efforts to rebuild social connection, we can rise to meet this moment together.”
The challenge is that addressing loneliness is not easy. Even before the COVID-19 pandemic, researchers found that one-in-two adults in America reported experiencing loneliness. Interestingly, in research produced by Gallup, Pew Research Center, and others, only 47% of Americans in 2020 said they belonged to a church, synagogue, or mosque. “Religious or faith-based groups can be a resource for regular social contact, serve as a community of support, provide meaning and purpose, create a sense of belonging around shared values and beliefs, and are associated with reduced risk-taking behaviors.”
In my work as a therapist, I have found that people manage their loneliness in different ways. For some, loneliness prompts them to focus on virtual relationships and social media. They find online relationships “safer” and sometimes their connections extend across the country and beyond. If they do attend religious services, they attend virtually. Unfortunately, studies have shown that “people who spend more time on social media are more likely to feel lonely and isolated.”
Others are afraid to reach out. They may avoid social interactions for fear of being rejected or hurt. They turn down invitations to family gatherings or community activities. They stop attending religious services all together. Avoidance can lead to more loneliness and isolation. Loneliness causes some people to wait for others to reach out to them or make the first move. When they choose to withdraw and report “I don’t want to be a burden to anyone” or “I don’t want to bother my friends,” they often find themselves sitting at home with needs unmet. It is clear that some people have support systems that are stronger than others. In working with the homeless and underserved, I have met people who say, “I don’t matter to anyone” or “If I disappeared, no one will even notice.”
The people who seem to function the best are those who recognize their need for connection and reach out to friends or family. They take the initiative to call a friend, volunteer with a service project, or participate in a local faith community. They also make an effort to reach out to people who may be experiencing loneliness such as the homebound, sick, or imprisoned. In reality, there is no quick fix for loneliness. Teaching social skills, limiting social media, investing in self-care, gathering with other people are ways to address or treat loneliness, but the key may be in the way we see ourselves and perceive others. Relationships are reciprocal. In the end, we need to ask ourselves, “What is my part in this loneliness or isolation?” If we take steps toward belonging and connection, we may just discover the light of community and “rise to meet this moment together.”