While watching a television interview last week, I was struck by the lack of basic listening skills in the interaction between the two professionals. They interrupted, talked over, and misinterpreted each other. Assumptions were made. Words were twisted and taken out of context. Each one reacted to the reactivity of the other. It is no wonder they both seemed frustrated in the end.
In my work with individuals, couples, and families, I observe similar processes between husbands and wives, children and parents, as well as among siblings. I often wonder how different life would be if we all increased our capacity to listen and to build bridges of understanding.
What does it take to really listen to another person? Active listening begins with giving someone your undivided attention. Too often people listen half-heartedly. Distracted by their phones, background noise, or the mental chatter in their brains, people often struggle to be fully present.
Listening not only requires paying attention, but also showing interest and acknowledging what the other is trying to say. Sometimes it is easy to fall into the trap of thinking about what you are going to say next instead of pausing and making space for the other to share their thinking. Asking open questions, which require more than a “Yes” or “No” response, will encourage people to continue to share.
One of the challenges to listening well is the fact that we think much faster than we talk. In their research article, “Listening to People,” Ralph Nichols and Leonard Stevens report “The average rate of speech for most Americans is around 125 words per minute. This rate is slow going for the human brain, which is made up of more than 13 billion cells and operates in such a complicated but efficient manner that it makes great, modern digital computers seem slow-witted.” Listening requires our brains to relax and receive words at a much slower pace.
Another challenge to listening is the impulse to problem solve or fix instead of holding space for another. In his book “A Hidden Wholeness,” Parker Palmer introduces the “Circle of Trust,” a program which creates safe places for people to discover and discern. I have found Palmer’s guidelines to be helpful in creating spaces for listening and reflection. Palmer encourages, “No fixing, saving, advising, or setting one straight.” For close to ten years, I have been a part of a leadership consultation group which has embraced these guidelines. It’s amazing how much we learn from one another when we keep a curious posture and truly listen.
In order to truly listen to another, it is important to slow down, stay focused, be open and curious. In the New Testament book of James, the author writes, “Let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak.” Listening itself is a spiritual practice. It takes time to develop. Effective listening involves slowing down the mind, centering the body and showing up for another. It also involves tuning in spiritually to the sacred dignity of another person.
When I think about the encounters Jesus had with others throughout his ministry, I am reminded of his ability to truly listen to others even when he did not agree with them. His use of profound questions made a space for others to think in new ways. Unfortunately, we are living through times when the conversations look more like the stressful television interview than the thoughtful and respectful conversations modeled by Jesus.
Ultimately, listening is a gift we give to another person. I am always amazed how relationships are transformed when people begin to really listen to one another. Listening well is part of the path leading to wholeness and health.
John Mogabgab, former editor of the journal “Weavings,” notes, “In every experience of true listening, especially to God but also to another person, there is a mysterious moment in which the one who listens steps out from a fortress of self-concern and dwells silently in the truth of the one who speaks. This is a moment of great risk and great courage, for it ushers us into a different way of being in the world.”